Is This Person Really Just a Jerk? - 15 Ways to Tell If They Are

(Yup, that shade of jerk is permanent, son.)

Munchausen hadn't had the best of days when this was originally drafted.  Maybe it started when a legit troll on Twitter started harassing Munchausen's handle to the point where the Twitter app had to get temporarily uninstalled from my smartphone because this troll was sooo desperate to get the last word in and was hell bent on telling Munchausen to cut the "radical feminism" out because it was so "unbecoming".  Reassuring that if Munchausen "stopped saying stupid things" - they'd never be heard from again, when I never really wanted to hear from them in the first place, (guess they didn't know about the block feature on Twitter or my First Amendment Rights?!).  Or maybe it was the garbage truck driver I had to flick off when I was getting into my car on that same particular morning when they decided to give a wolf whistle despite my truly conservative garb.  

(Munchausen has 17 Twitter followers brah!  Uh-oh, better tell that mouthy free thinker to shut it!)

In any case, the multiverse made it abundantly clear to me that day that some people merely really don't know how to conduct themselves online or off and that perhaps a new set of standards ought to be written down to assist others in determining--is this person really just a jerk?  

(Hey, girls can be jerks too...)

Most jerks display the following 15 telltale signs:

#15). They Mock Others (Especially If Who They Are Mocking Can't Defend Themselves) - 

If they're making fun of single men on Facebook for being cat owners or calling sexually inexperienced twelve year old girls "sluts", chances are, yes, this person is a jerk.  Or at the very least, highly immature, insensitive, and wouldn't make very good parent or life-partner material, so never engage this type of person in flirty conversation.  They don't deserve your acknowledgement, let alone your time or attention.       

(Except maybe to tell them to go away.)

#14). They Make Random Observations On Your Appearance (Especially If You Didn't Ask For Those Observations) - 

(If only all the guys that told me I looked beautiful looked more like him.)

If someone randomly tells you look better with your hair down or your glasses off or when you sport a beard and you didn't actually ask for their opinion and they just proceed to gawk at you for whatever it is that they just "complimented" you on--guess what?--their opinion doesn't actually matter.  An opinion is NOT a compliment.  If hair on the back of your neck drives you crazy at work and you only really wear it down on dates or legit special occasions, or if you need your spectacles to actually see, or your beard is only a winter thing because it's so itchy, than they should seriously STFU.   

Saying shit like this to someone when they didn't ask for your opinion is seriously fucking rude.  Also the purpose of existence isn't to just to look attractive or more attractive to other people.  For every person that likes your hair down more, there's two others that prefer it up.  For every person that thinks you need contacts, there's five others that think you look adorable in glasses.  For every person that likes your beard, ten others like your actual face.  You can't please everyone, and only really need to please yourself when it comes to your appearance or how you feel about your appearance.  All that matters in this world is how you perceive yourself, and having some self acceptance when it comes to your physical appearance oozes self confidence, and nothing is sexier than confidence.

It's also seriously time for females to realize that your own personal real physical comfort levels should trump aesthetics for the imaginary or real male gaze.  So retire those shoes that eventually disfigure your feet, that dress you can barely breathe in, and that shade of lipstick that includes lead as an ingredient.  Trust me, it's so totally not worth it.

(Ladies, please stop being a *fashion* victim.)

   
#13). They Touch You, A Lot (Especially If You Don't Touch Them, Ever) - 

No one should ever be touching you against your will, period.  It doesn't matter where or when or how they touch you.  If you didn't make enough of a connection with that person where you don't touch them, what warrants them touching you?  If they grab your arm constantly to get your attention all the time or give you shoulder massages that you never asked them for, or try to tickle you randomly, seriously, tell them to fuck off.  You're not a fucking cat.

This would also include talking to you excessively, if the person you're talking to isn't making eye contact with you 8 out of 12 times, get the subtle hint for fuck's sake already and buzz off!

#12). They Don't Get The Subtle Hints To Back Off - 

Does sarcasm go over their heads?  Do they think you being mean is "playing hard to get" or some weird form of flirtation?  Are they failing to realize that you meet everyone else's eyes in conversation but theirs, that they take one step forward while you take two steps back?  Are they not getting you're mean mugging them when they try to stick their crotch in your face?--than don't write them off as just being socially inept, chances are they're just a jerk that rather portray themselves as socially clueless because they don't like the hints you are giving.      

In those situations it's best to follow a three strikes you're out rule (depending on the severity or if it's in the workplace).  If it gets really annoying, literally, stand up to them, meet their eyes, hold their gaze, and call them out on whatever behavior it is that they are exhibiting that's making you feel awkward.  Turn the tables around and make them feel awkward about it, and don't drop the subject until they know that whatever type of forced social interaction they're subjecting you to - better fucking stop NOW.  

(It'll be far less awkward than getting stalked or sexually assaulted, I assure you.)

  

#11). Everything's "Just A Joke" - 

These jokes are usually at your own expense.  And if you're not laughing, it's not funny.  They're the joke, not you.  Jerks like this never take anything seriously so why should you take them seriously? 

These are the type of jerks that think being mean, or perverted, or inappropriate is funny and when reminded that, "No, being mean/perverted/inappropriate actually *isn't* very funny," they protest, "But I was just joking!" 

(Just remind them that there must be a very lonely microphone out there in desperate need of all their "jokes".)

 
#10). They're Always Right - 

Nobody's always right, not even Munchausen.  Only fucking jerks think they're right all of the time and it's impossible to have a friendly debate with a jerk let alone a conversation if they literally always think they're correct on any topic, even if you've lived the topic they're talking about and know that they're wrong.  Just cut your losses and stop talking to them altogether if you want to consider yourself lucky, or ever be right again.  

#9). They Like To Hear Themselves Talk, A Lot - 

When this gets coupled with the 'I'm always right jerk' it can be a truly harrowing experience.

This is different from going weeks or months without talking to someone and occasionally life details will dominate the conversation and your friend apologizes and asks if they are monopolizing the conversation.  This type of jerk will literally dry hump your ears with words and they will not.  Ever.  Shut.  Up.

These jerks never realize that someone else might not only have something to add to the conversation, but that someone else might actually have something even more important to say, or that the topic maybe should've changed 20 minutes ago.    

These are the people that talk at you, not to you.  People that do that, stop, you're pissing all the active listeners off.

#8). They Give "Non-Apology" Apologies - 

Yeah...I'm sorry but...whenever someone apologies for "how you feel" as opposed to what they really actually did to even cause you to feel that way, they are, unequivocally, a total fucking JERK. 

Apologizing to someone you've upset doesn't mean you're weak, or that they're magically more correct than you.  Apologizing to someone that you've genuinely hurt or caused to feel some sort of alarm, just means you're not a total asshole.  But when you either don't apologize at all or give a half-ass apology that shoulders the entire blame of a situation that they caused on your reaction - than honey, ditch that jerk.  This means that they never see the self-responsibility of their actions, they don't act on empowerment, they aren't noble people.  Fuck 'em. 

#7). They Insult People As A "Comeback" In A Debate - 

Okay, so you're in a debate, and instead of being articulate or factual in defending your stance, you instead make a personal insult or attack on the person who is taking time to speak to you?--You are a damn JERK for doing this.  

Seriously, that's not even civilized.  Next time jerk, during a heated debate, instead of devolving to insults, try to...

#6). Friendship Is Their Kingdom - 

When people treat their friends like personal serfs, they're not just a jerk, they're a fucking asshole.  These are "friends" that are ultimately not even real friends, they're fakes, and chances are they want you to fall in line with their bogus fakery. 

Don't do it, nobody needs fake friends.  Forgiveness, acceptance, thoughtfulness, and diversity are all markers of healthy friendships, if you settle for anything less, you're shorting yourself.  Real friends challenge you and don't ditch you over stupid shit.

When someone has a strong personality, idiosyncrasies, and is a bit eccentric, that doesn't mean "the king" gets to banish them from his kingdom and if he does...their loss brah.  

See jerks like to surround themselves with passive people that fall in line to whatever it is that they dictate the rules of friendship should be, but their word shouldn't always be the only or last word in.  When it is, eventually, they'll end up estranging any real friends they could've had for an entire lifetime and instead be surrounded by a bunch of user fakes that only maintain the friendship because of what they get out of it, ie. - comfortable place to party, use of a in-ground pool.  But you can't use your possessions to control other people's behavior and when you continue to do it, all your serfs, will ultimately betray you, for they're either just as fake as you or just get over the fact that...    

#5). They Are Show-offs or Braggarts - 

They'll brag or show-off anything that they think will elevate their status.  Granted, we all can display this behavior, but with jerks?--They do this shit all the fucking time and it's really annoying.  Trucks can only get so big and heels can only get so high.  It's been my experience that the people who should be bragging are typically too humble to do so.  Jerks just love showing other people how great they are, even though they lack substance and aren't really all that fucking great. 

#4). No Mess Is Ever "Their" Mess - 

Yes jerk, actually, you did!

Jerks make an assortment of messes that they seem to think other people will just magically clean up for them.

The world is their garbage can.  So if you've ever had to clean up after a jerk, that never even paused to thank you for doing so, know that Munchausen says to them, "Fuck you jerk, clean up after yourself next time!," for you.  (Maybe even leave this blog post as a comment on their Facebook page so they can get the much needed hint to stop being so inconsiderate and if they call you out on it, just say you were joking, like other jerks do). 

#3). Nothing Is Ever Their Fault - 

Combine #8 and #10 you get this jerky jerk, they perpetually never act on empowerment or take ownership over their own actions.  These jerks are not only always right, they *never* fucking apologize for any trespasses they've made because they're literally oblivious that they're trespassing against others.

In my opinion, these are the worst type of jerks walking.  

They never have any gratitude or express remorse. 

#2). They're Entitled To Everything - 

They think all of the things belong to them, because automatically everything in their line of vision belongs to them.  They think that with little effort or hard work that they'll get things handed to them, everything from Mom's car to your phone number, and these types of people are truly...intolerable.

#1). They're Such A Jerk, They Don't Even Know That They're A Jerk - 

The biggest favor you could ever do to a jerk is to either kill them with kindness and live by example for them, OR...tell them what a jerk they actually are so we can all stop dealing with so many jerks.  

The multiverse would truly owe you one!