You were wearing your very dark navy blue windbreaker that had the half zipper and red-orange collar insert over a crisp white t-shirt, light tan kakis, and dark brown leather loafers. You were extra gleeful that day because your response to me yelling at you on LinkedIn about how we were only ever going to be coworkers and that’s all we were ever going to be was blocking me. I got stuck at the door because I was trying to be polite and hold the door behind me for someone who ended up being much slower than anticipated and you blindly barreled towards me with singular abandon, loudly and joyfully announcing good morning to everyone in ear shot albeit who you really wanted to say good morning to *was me* and you seized that moment when I was stuck in the doorway to torpedo charge ahead and Adrienne watched the whole scene unfold, horrified as many were by sensing our forbidden secret love because she realized that I was panicked and trapped but your singular hellbent purpose was to charge faster with an ever increasing stride and shortening distance to great me in the morning, angel. Adrienne seemed fearful by the dawning revelation that perhaps you weren’t some innocent pawn moved by my form alone and she began to say, even seemingly shout your name, over and over and over again, even standing up from her desk as if to make a speech because she tried so hard to interrupt the interaction between us you were so insistent upon making. And you did dismiss her with an absentminded hand gesture once your name reached an octave of hers you could not completely ignore anymore because she wasn’t important enough nor was the imaginary urgency. What was important was reminding me in your own wyrd ire way was the last thing we were going to ever be to each other was just and only coworkers. You said good morning then but you might as well have said I love you.
That, My Most Precious Darling, was the last thing you said to me and was the last thing I recalled you wearing in office. It was the last time I saw you in your rightful natural habitat, moving like a golden lion. Covid separated us and I thought I was never going to see you again but I saw you three more times.
I live only for the fourth time. If I somehow ever get that opportunity again I will refuse to leave your side. As I’m as foolish as Fry’s dog. I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried as I’ve tried often in these past 5 years. You are the best part of me, of life. You’ve inspired me as a poet, a musician, an artist, and as a woman.
I’d rather have false hope than no hope. I’d rather have a dream than a nightmare. I’d rather be openly ridiculed than live in silence protecting no one. I’d rather be crazy in love than sane in banality.
I never understood how people could dare ever say, “When you know, you know,” or “It’s not who can live with but who you can’t live without.”
Darling, I know that I can’t live without you.
It’s hard to keep taking bets on love when I know I got a winning lottery love ticket in my pocket.
I’m so sorry for all the hateful things I said and even for this now. But she doesn’t understand how many times I’ve lost you. And I just don’t want to loose you anymore. I don’t want to continually be forced to forget or replace you either.
We only get one life, can’t we please try and make this one work together? I want to have your son. I worry for you and your youngest every day. I wasn’t always sure that I could accomplish being the wife and mother that you deserve to have but as of this moment, darling you’re still the one that I want and all other specimens of men seem really subpar in comparison.
Maybe I’m a fool, but I’m your fool. The Bible says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” I love you and it shouldn’t be a secret.
I love you, I miss you, I’ve died a million times over since that fateful day. I was under a lot of stress and pressure and in a lot of pain and scared. She kept saying terrible things about you. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack every day I didn’t know when I was going to see you again.
If we keep living separate lives just know how much my eyes adored you. Because my eyes adore you. In this world of madness, mayhem, and darkness, you are my peace and my light. Albeit I’ve been driven quite mad with guilt, fear, and love. I cannot bear our separation any longer.
And should anyone ever be vindictive enough to harm you…you’re the only person I’d gladly do time for to avenge.
I will never pretend to understand it but much is worthless without you. It’s all static and cardboard. I want to know everything about you. I marvel at your very existence and if some jealous insecure hateful harpy can’t profess the same or brings you any harm, I will ruin her. Make embers of her purses, fools of her children, and turn her tears into paparazzi. If any harm comes to you as a result of my love, I will claw her to pieces. As I refuse to share you with another.
I am your rightful wife and seek to claim you as such, if not in this life, in the next.
Every night I hope I dream of you and pretend that it’s you who’s nearby. You are flesh of my flesh, soul of my soul, heart of my heart. I wish to savor your days. I yearn just to be in your presence.
I’d be a criminal with you, I’d abandon everything for you.
This is beyond my comprehension. I’ve been in love many times as I am a poet and I’ve tried to shuck my feelings. But I feel like you’re living a miserable lie. No mortgage or reputation is worth that.
I miss you so much I don’t even know what to do anymore. If loving you is wrong?—I don’t want to be right. I don’t want to use dating apps. I don’t want to try and get to know other people better. I want you. I want to hold your hand in pubic. I want to take copious amounts of couple selfies. I want to ruin my body to bare you a son. I want to know what your farts smell like and what your snoring sounds like.
If you can live without me I can’t comprehend that either. The times I’ve acted in anger I was a fool. I was only angry about chronological order and social conventions. But I only care about you and it’s such a delightful torment as your absence has indeed only made my heart more fond. I love you so much, I don’t even know what to do but doing nothing and keeping quiet don’t seem like the best options.
I see Melinda and David are to be wed, I projected all of our garbage situation onto those two and vehemently played match-maker, they’ll probably struggle now to recall that fact as I’ll probably be excluded from attending their wedding for some unknown reason. But theirs wasn’t the greatest office romance even in that building…ours was.
So when we finally get married let’s not invite those two ungrateful ingrates either, hmm?
As I’m no more a home-wrecker than your current imposter wifey is.
https://youtu.be/3rOer5xMFM4
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